Jangster's Paradise

Mark 1D

I'm mourning for each day that passes

I'm yearning to touch it, to call it mine
It's nowhere but in my heart
I want that dreamt life
Where I see not through my eyes
But just behind
                ...My elusive love and passion
                                        -- CANON.

To get to Ultra alive.

1. 1. Buckle Up!

2. 2. Keep your eyes on the road. Thus, 3. Don't text and Drive.

as an award-winning ad puts it: HEAVEN CAN WAIT.

Reminder "model": Sarah.

Dalawang Isang Daan.

Life is a day survived.

When I end the day adrift, at least...I know, I am aware of it ending. Though floating, I realize passion needs attention and discernment.  Just like everything else.

The dilemma between survival and fulfillment is sure to be really thwarting me. I can of course go insane by lingering in this seeming dilemma which is freaking present in major aspects of my life at the moment: Career. Family. Love.

Come to think of it though, should there even be a dilemma.

When survival must mean I get a job right now. So I can feed and provide for myself, and send my sister to school. And perhaps survival in love must mean just love...and protect people who matter so much to me.

While Fulfillment must mean I enroll, fence and do photography.

yeah, yeah...I know for now they are:

ILLOGICAL and SELFISH.

BUt how should I deal with passion then?  Passion can very well be oblivious of all else that comes its way. So, I gotta decide whether I should put it at bay or go for it. (coehlo's advice)

As for Fulfillment in Love, all the same...loving is just as fulfilling as surviving  a successful or failed relationship.  After all, Love isn't supposed to be too wise to be able to dodge pain every time, and too greedy to want nothing but happiness.

It's 4 in the morning and I refuse to end the day that was. It's futile to even try to rest my head on my favorite comfort pillow. I'm willing to end the day adrift, just as long as not with a heart this heavy. That three-fold dilemma...and that I failed to say goodbye properly to a dear person--are Strong enough to cause me palpitations.  Paining me like caffeine I so dislike at this hour.

I wonder why I didn't even look over my shoulder just to say Salamat or I'm Sorry or Bye. I was too weak I guess to see that person in pain. All the more knowing that sometimes I inflict pain intentionally for absurd selfish reasons. But really... I CARE. with all my heart, I care.

No matter how hard I tried to keep my walls up.. All it took was Eleven Minutes, 6messages and that 200 bucks from that dear person to flood a bus from Laguna to Cubao.  I just realized I am no God to spare her what she needs. I realized how special it was to be able to spend some good time with her even if the glow about her was dimming because of a significant change in my life.

I am truly happy about that "change" though, don't get me wrong.

But it's just that, I wish I am not the reason for her despair. =(

Afloat the waters in the bus...I wanted to seek refuge immediately from the person who holds me together these days. BUT...there was just a huge BUT...that happened 3 hours after I arrived (sadly...but yeah, hearing THE Voice was comforting enough).

2 pieces of folded 100 bill made me feel the absolute concern and love of a hurting friend; made me realize even more of my current state.

Those 2 pieces of folded 100 bill got me home. Adrift...but at least home.

Now I feel lighter.

Must go to bed and prepare for another survival stint later.

A Smile Not For Me

It’s sublime when I see your smile
Even though I know it’s not for me
I see your soul and I’m a captive
I realize that you’re happy;
Even so, I am not the culprit
It’s a poignant move to fake it
You’re eyes are truths and they’re beaming
Not for me;
But for somebody you lie about liking
Every time I see your lips wearing it
The truths just can’t pretend
I read you well and I wish you were another language
Because when you smile for me you use your lips
And when you smile for her you use your eyes
Now judge for whose is more heartfelt
When your lips betray your eyes
I bore you and I need to withdraw
For you to live through colors
No more grays, no more monotony
Maybe things have changed seriously
Little love, No more passion
I am trivial
In your eyes you mirror me
I am melancholy

a few months back

my sunrise, I'm the horizon.

It's hard to fathom. The sun really never lingers the horizon. I was pinned twice by 1 thorn and I don't know how much bitterness I can continue to contain.

My sunrise. When dusk came, it didn't think twice to set.

I am the horizon, just come pass by me anytime during the day and the night.

In time, we'll meet again and I'll battle off the impermanence of our meeting.